Gospel Centered Parenting

Do you ever have a week where you just feel like you’re failing as a parent or that you just don’t know how to have gospel centered parenting at the center of your home? You aren’t sure how to solve the issues you are experiencing as you parent your kids and so you either feel helpless or you go all controlling and research every possible method to fix the issue as quickly as possible? Which camp do you tend towards?

For me, I’m the control freak. Lately, I have struggled with the how to’s of parenting as children get older. I have felt like I’m flailing about trying to figure it all out. What kinds of consequences work now that we are beyond the simple time-outs, etc? How do I get them to care about these things and just stop what they’re doing? Why won’t they just do the right thing and have the right heart that I think they should have?

I’ve had to stop myself right there so many times lately and think: Is having the right formula for parenting, enough consequences and rewards, or them showing the right behavior going to change my kids’ hearts? Is the outward appearance of doing the right thing really what I want to see in my kids OR is it hearts that are transformed by the gospel?

The obvious answer is that I long for my children’s hearts to be transformed by the power of the gospel. I long to see them depending on Jesus and trusting in Him with their whole hearts. I long to see them conformed to the image of Christ more and more each day as their character begins to look more like Him. But, often, my actions don’t reflect that this is what I want in the approach I take in parenting day in and day out.

Often, I see an issue and begin researching like crazy, finding all the right books to read to find out the answer to find the parenting solutions that I think that I need, instead of simply looking at the situation with a gospel lens and asking God to give me wisdom and guidance. I look to others to get their advice, hoping for a task oriented solution to complete my problem.

The past week has been one of those weeks. As I’ve read up on the parenting topics of the week and asked trusted friends for advice, God has reminded me over and over to stop trying to control and to trust Him. To let Him, His Word, and His wisdom guide me. God has been pushing me to…

Trust Him that He has the wisdom needed to raise my children.

Trust Him that He is in control of their hearts and their lives.

Trust Him to not only be sufficient to save me, but to guide me in His path each day.

Trust Him that His power is more than enough to save my children and change their hearts.

Trust Him that the gospel transforms hearts, not methods or rules.

Often, it seems easier to trust myself as I seek to control the situation. But, as I depend on myself, my own goodness and abilities, I am trusting in myself and not in God, and I’m showing Him that I don’t think that I need Him. The truth is, I’m telling God that my formulas and solutions are more powerful than Him, and more powerful than the gospel. You see, when I want to control, I’m showing God that I think I have what it takes to be the parent He has called me to be. But that’s simply not true. If it were true, why would I need Jesus?

Now, I’m not saying that having rules around your house and methods for your parenting are bad. No, they are necessary and good. We must have these as we walk in wisdom to shepherd our children as God has called us to. But when we clench down so tightly to these formulas because we want to control the situation, we are not choosing to depend on God to transform both our kid’s hearts and our own hearts.

The truth that the gospel teaches is that I am simply not good enough and that I need Jesus. And my family does too! No amount of striving is going to save us, only God can save us through Jesus, and only God can change our hearts. Let’s look at this desire for control with a gospel lens.

How Does the Gospel Speak to Parenting Methods?

Creation

In the beginning, God made all things. He made the earth and all that is in it, and He made people in His own image to glorify Him. He gave the people dominion on the earth to reflect Him in all that they do (Genesis 1-2). He put good boundaries in place to guard them and keep them safe. He gave them everything to eat of, except for the fruit of one tree: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They depended on and trusted God as He led them.

Fall

Then, when they were tempted to eat of this tree (Genesis 3), they decided they knew what was best and took what they desired. Sin entered the world as they trusted in themselves instead of the good Word of God. The consequences of sin were devastating: life would be hard for the people and their sin would lead to death in the end. One of those consequences of sin was the desire to rule ourselves and trust in ourselves instead of God. We would desire control instead of following God’s control.

This might be played out in every aspect of life, but for this topic, we see how we desire control as parents. We want to control every situation, control how our kids turn out, control with systems and rules, make everything look just the way we want it to. Unfortunately, it doesn’t, so we struggle with this sin and struggle to lean on God and allow Him to control and guide us in all the ways we should go as we parent our children. We struggle to trust Him with our children and their lives. We strive hard, but fail desperately to get the results we want. But there’s hope! One day, a Promised One would come to save God’s people from the consequences of their sin and give them hope for this life and the next.

Redemption

When Jesus came, lived a perfect life, died on an awful cross as the payment for our sin, and rose again conquering sin and death, He took on this punishment for us. He died in our place. And rose again to give us new life in His name. Life in His Kingdom, ruled by Him as our King. Walking with Him as our Lord, we can draw near to Him to lean on Him, to trust Him, to seek His wisdom and not our own, and to allow Him to rule our lives. Life as a follower of Jesus doesn’t mean life is perfect, it means we know the Creator of the universe and depend on Him in all circustances. We recognize our failings, our shortcomings, and our inadequacies. We know we are sinful in need of a Savior. So we run to Him each day, longing to walk in step with Him as we go, and asking Him to transform our hearts to look more like Him. To put off the old self of wanting to control, and to put on the new self of living with Him as our King and Lord (Colossians 3).

Restoration

One day, when God ushers in the new heavens and new earth, this struggle for control won’t be a struggle anymore (Revelation 21)! Oh how we long for that day when our desire for control is gone and we can fully trust in God without wavering! We won’t doubt God’s goodness, power, or control, but will worship Him fully without the struggle of sin. What a day that will be!

Where do we go from here?

As we live in this already redeemed, but not yet fully restored place, how do we allow our parenting to be gospel centered? For me, it starts with remembering this story we are a part of as God’s children: the big picture of the gospel. From there, we can parent in a way that reflects who the King of our hearts and of our children’s hearts is. There are two things I have to keep reminding myself:

1. I am desperately in need of Jesus every hour of every day. No matter how hard I try, I can’t will myself to be perfect by my own strength- I need Jesus to intercede for me and to transform me into His likeness by His strength, guidance, and power.
2. Likewise, my children desperately need Jesus every hour of every day. No amount of rules, consequences, structure or amount of perfect planning will save them or change their hearts. Only Jesus can change their hearts, so they need to be pushed to depend on Him.

I’m not going to pretend this is easy. Nor do I think this means we sit back and do nothing practical about it. But what it does mean is that I first need to stop and look at my heart as I parent. Am I depending on my own abilities to make my kid’s grow in Christ-likeness, or am I depending on God to change their hearts? He alone can change hearts and has the power to do so. Our role as parents is to faithfully point them to Him as their Savior, Lord, and King.

Responding in a Gospel Centered Way

So, as I plan out how I will respond to certain behaviors or actions, the main questions I need to ask are:

• Where is my heart’s allegiance and dependence in this situation?
• How am I pointing my children to the gospel in the way that I handle this situation?
• Am I depending on Him or myself?
• Am I showing my children their dependence on God and need for Him?
• Am I responding with grace, truth, and kindness as God does to me?
• Am I praying for God to do the work that only He can do in their hearts?

Parents, as we draw near to God for ourselves, meditate on His Word day and night, and seek Him, He will lead us as we lead our children. His gospel is truly sufficient to guide us as we seek to have a gospel centered parenting approach in our homes. Let’s fix our eyes on Him and keep the gospel close to our hearts so that it naturally overflows out of us as we lead our children to Him. And let’s come alongside each other and encourage one another to see Christ as sufficient for all things in our lives. As we do, let’s pray:

“And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:9-14

Want to read more about how the gospel shapes our parenting and how to use God’s Word to share the gospel with our kids? Check out this post: Using the Bible to Correction Kids’ Hearts in Righteousness

For other great books that go deep into this topic, check out my Family Discipleship Resources Page!